.png)
Self-esteem and Insecurities
Self-esteem is the security we have over our personal worth, capabilities and morals and involves making a value judgment about ourselves. It is the foundation of our emotional well-being and our ability to face life’s challenges with confidence. However, a lack of self-esteem can negatively affect our quality of life, our relationships and our ability to achieve ourr goals. Problems of self-esteem can manifest themselves in various ways, from a generalized lack of self-confidence to constant self-criticism and the feeling of not being good enough. These problems can have deep roots in our past experiences, our social interactions, and our beliefs about ourselves.
Insecurities are emotional barriers that prevent us from reaching our full potential and enjoying a fulfilling life. They can manifest as constant doubts about our abilities, fear of rejection or, again, the feeling of not living up to others. In addition, our own insecurities can have an extremely negative impact on our intimate relationships or with friends: jealousy is the first sign of your insecurities.
With these terms is very related the self-image or self-concept, that is, the mental representation we have about ourselves, our personal worth and the evaluation of our characteristics and feelings, virtues and defects, I can consider myself impatient, reserved or greedy but what really matters is the assessment we make of our self-image. This assessment influences our psychological well-being.
Our self-concept develops gradually. When we are young our family members, teachers and colleagues give us feedback and provide experiences of rejection or acceptance. In adolescence the demand for the environment grows much more. In this period it is crucial to have enough social support and self-confidence to deal with complicated situations. The result of coping with these situations provides us with feedback of success or failure. Thus, the idea of our personal worth is generated. A lack of self-confidence and self-esteem can lead to a distorted image of oneself and the abilities the person has, which prevents us from gaining personal harmony, progressing and learning. Besides, we may feel inferior to others.
Through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, we explore limiting beliefs and self-critical thinking patterns that may be affecting your self-esteem, self-concept or generate insecurities. You are provided with tools and strategies to replace these negative and dysfunctional thoughts with more realistic and positive thoughts. Here Positive Psychology helps us to detect your strengths that you didn’t realize but were always inside.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are linked to some concepts, such as:
-
Our emotional abilities
-
Self-compassion which is a fundamental component of healthy self-esteem
-
Continuous support and personal growth
In the end, low self-esteem negatively affects our well-being, prevents us from achieving goals, undermines our self-confidence and makes us feel inferior. For its part, high self-esteem helps us to realize our strengths and capabilities, develop, face adversities and love ourselves regardless of social standards and demands.
Techniques and strategies
1. Global mirror technique
This technique has several versions and depends on what you want to achieve, for example:
-
allows you to know yourself better;
-
helps improve your self-concept and self-esteem;
-
improves sexual problems;
-
it allows you to be motivated before doing something;
-
helps keep you abstinent.
Version A.
It is a technique, apparently, simple, however, not everyone is able to finish it and get answers. In its original version, it is used for self-knowledge and self-esteem. It is recommended to practice it every day for about 10-30 minutes.
If it is your first time, it is better to answer certain questions before starting. since we don’t usually think much about ourselves every day:
-
When you look in the mirror, do you look handsome?
-
What would you like to change in your appearance?
-
Which good things can you bring to others?
-
Do your family, friends and colleagues appreciate you as you are?
-
Do you feel more confident when you look and feel good?
If you’ve been able to get your first answers, you can move on to the technique. First, take a hot shower. Close your eyes, feel the water falling on the body, distribute the gel through your body and caress it. You can open your eyes and look at your hands, arms, legs and belly or continue exploring your body with closed eyes.
After the shower, stand before a mirror in which you can see your entire body. The room must be quiet with no other persons or distracting stimuli. First of all, take 10 slow deep breaths and relax. When you’re relaxed, try to answer the following questions:
-
What do you see in the mirror?
-
Do you know the person who looks at you in the mirror? How is he/she?
-
Do you think that person has bad things? Which are?
-
What good things does that person have?
-
What strengths does that person have? What virtues does he/she have?
-
Why does that person have value?
-
Is that person happy? What does that person need to be happier? How can you get it?
-
What does that peron lack to feel fulfilled and self-actualized in life?
-
What do you like most about that person?
-
Would you like to change something about that person?
You will see that it is not so easy to answer these questions. However, by training every day, you will gradually get it. The answers can change over time, just as you can add other similar questions to explore your personality. Learn to recognize what you really have but what you didn’t realize during all this time. If you doubt about some of your characteristics, you can check it by asking your family or close friends about it.
Remember that the concept of beauty is subjective and the aesthetic model of beauty is relative. The standards are never the same. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If you see that there are many parts you want to change, the best would be to readjust your standard and analyze where the standard you have comes from.
Version B.
In the case of having sexual problems or insecurities about the sexual response, the exercise must be extended. Put yourself more comfortable, for example, on an armchair or sofa. You can take a hand mirror. Look at your genitals from different angles for a few minutes. Notice its size, color, shape, lubrication etc. When finished, breathe deeply and try to answer some questions like:
-
How did you feel when you were looking at your genitals?
-
Is there anything you disliked?
-
What did you like?
-
Were you surprised by what you saw?
If you stop exercising, and can't follow take some deep breaths and start again later. Remember that the sexual response is not affected by loving yourself and accepting your own body as it is. A person with high self-esteem values his/her body positively, allowing him/her to have a sense of security in the available resources and an assessment of his/her own body over social demands.
Version C.
If you are quitting a substance or behavior addiction, this exercise variant can be very useful. I advise you to do it in the morning. You approach the mirror and, looking into your eyes, you ask yourself if you are going to consume today or not. If your answer is NO, you can not consume until the next day. So, if you feel like consuming it in the afternoon or evening, do not forbid it forever,, just today. You repeat to yourself: "Today not, tomorrow". So you decrease the pressure of prohibition and not being able to consume. The next morning, repeat the ritual. If you decide to consume, you can do it. However, you are not obligated to do it. But if you decide not to do it today, you can’t consume until the next day. It’s a simple but very powerful technique. You can reinforce it with self-instructions (technique N8). Besides, you can consult the page of Addictions for more information.
Version D.
We often struggle to start doing something we like. We know that once we get started, we will enjoy it. Besides, sometimes we have to do something that we don’t like. For these cases looking in the mirror, talk to you:
-
"You know you like and enjoy swimming. It also helps you strengthen your body, lose weight and train the cardiovascular system."
-
"I don’t feel like washing the dishes, but I’m gonna play my favorite song and sing along. So time passes faster and I’ll have the kitchen clean. I know that I can do it!"
-
"You know your passion is languages? You only need a half an hour on public transport but then you will enjoy what you like most for 2 hours. Come on!"
In this variant, self-instructions are used (technique N8). Together, these techniques increase the motivating effect. For routine tasks you can look for new, more creative ways to perform them, as the Positive Psychology advises. There are people who have a hard time doing repetitive and boring tasks. However, doing it differently (with someone else, singing, listening to music, changing the way to work, improvising when cooking, etc.) helps them avoid a heavy routine.
2. List of achievements
Achievement or accomplishment is a positive result that is obtained after overcoming a challenge, reaching a goal, boosting a talent or finishing a project in any area of your life. Identifying, realizing, and recognizing your accomplishments helps build your self-esteem. It is an exercise that requires a lot of effort since you have to analyze all the stages and spheres of your life.
Take a sheet or notebook and start drafting. Write down any personal achievements that come to mind. You have to start from your childhood and end today. Remember to consider not only work or academic achievements, but also personal, family, partner and friends, among others. For example:
-
I have managed to climb to the top of Everest
-
I have been able to maintain friendship with a childhood friend
-
I have passed all the exams
-
I have raised and educated 2 children
-
I have been able to maintain a satisfactory relationship with a troubled person.
Focus on your successes and achived goals. Maybe you don’t get the full list at first. Remember that this list is dynamic, that is, every day you can add more achievements as you remember them or get new ones. Keep nothing and write down everything that is relevant. When you have the list of achievements done, go one by one and answer some questions to think deeply, for example:
-
How did I feel when I got this achievement?
-
How do I feel now after I got it?
-
What qualities, strengths and virtues helped me achieve it?
-
Did I value it more than once?
-
Does it make me proud?
Save this list and periodically review it and add more achievements.
3. Tree of achievements and positive qualities
This exercise you might do after you have done the previous one. First you should prepare 2 lists:
1. List of your positive qualities. This list can contain your qualities of different types, such as intellectual, social, moral, physical, ethical, emotional, etc. Try to make a long list.
2. List of your personal achievements. You can use the list from the previous exercise.
Then draw a large tree all over the A4 sheet. It has to have roots of different sizes, a trunk, branches, flowers and fruits. This tree represents your self-image and your qualities. Now place the positive qualities in the roots of the tree as they are the basis of our personality and help us achieve goals in life. The most important and relevant qualities must be written on the biggest roots. At the end, place your accomplishments on the fruits and flowers following the same dynamic: writing the most important achievements on the largest fruits and flowers.
If you have some difficulty identifying your positive qualities, you can ask for help from the people closest to you as they know you very well. At the end, look at your tree and think deeply whether you like it or not, if you would change something or if you feel proud. Maybe you’ll want to develop another quality or achieve something new.
4. Stairs of interests and wishes
This exercise allows you to assess where your interests and desires are compared to those of other people. Take a sheet and schematically draw a ladder. Now think about different life situations and interactions with other people. Your task is to place your interests at a specific point and then those of other people you know. To get it right, try to remember specific interactions you’ve had lately. Think about the extent to which you give in to the requests of others by sacrificing your own interests or, on the contrary, you reject their requests to satisfy your own interests. To make it easier, you can ask yourself different questions, for example:
-
If my head hurts and my mother asks me to go buy something because she does not want to leave the house, do I refuse or accept?
- If my friend Jack asks me to accompany him to a soccer game and I don’t like football at all, am I going with him or not?
-
- If my boss asks me to stay 2 more hours at work to finish a project but I already have a dinner with my partner, will I stay at work?
- If my daughter wants me to help her with her homework right now but I want to finish preparing a class for tomorrow, should I stop what I’m doing?
- If I am reading an interesting book sitting on a bench in a park and an unknown person sits next to me and starts talking to me, do I tell him/her that I do not want to talk to anyone and I want to read?
- If my brother asks me to lend him money but I wanted to buy a cell phone today, do I lend him money?
If you see your ladder and your interests are on a low level, you should probably change your communication style. You can get frustrated by not doing what you want or not achieving your goals. Rejecting a petition does not mean being rude. It simply means respecting your interests. There are different techniques (paragraph 7) for rejecting petitions and responding to criticism or manipulation. Being able to reject a petition is somehow related to the basic assertive rights we all have but not all of us use. Besides, I advise you to know the 3 communication styles to realize if you use the most optimal style.
5. Communication styles
In our life we usually alternate between 3 communication styles: assertive, aggressive and avoidant (passive). Each style helps achieve certain goals. There is no bad or good style but the assertive style is the most optimal as it has more advantages and fewer drawbacks. This style allows us to respect our own rights and interests without violating the interests or wishes of others. Using aggressive style we get what we want but do not respect the interests of others. With passive style we avoid problems and conflicts but we sacrifice our interests and desires. In general, we alternate styles with different people but always predominates a specific style. Below he told you a very brief comparison between these 3 styles.
.png)
As we can see the assertive style has more advantages than the rest. It is not always easy to use assertive style in our lives because of different factors. However, I advise you to know the basic assertive rights of everyone I detail below. So you can estimate how much you respect your own interests. Besides, to approach the assertive style you can follow some tips:
-
Improve your self-confidence and don’t be afraid to make mistakes
-
Use clear and direct language without hints
-
Ask others from empathy
-
Demonstrate your flexibility to generate options and reach an agreement
-
Use a calm tone if you have to repeat your posture or point of view
-
Stop before you lose control of your emotions
-
Control your body language
-
Responds to criticism
-
Express your feelings
-
Ask for behavior change if something bothers you
-
Refuse a request if you don’t want to do something
6. Basic assertive rights
Basic assertive rights allow us to defend our interests and desires, for example, to reject a petition without feeling guilty just because we do not want to do something. Normally, because of different socio-cultural factors we don’t use all of them. Each person uses different rights in their daily life. By not using them, we sacrifice our interests and increase dissatisfaction. Although using them doesn’t always mean treating other people badly or being mean. If you want to use these rights, remember that other people also have the right to use them. Below you can find a list of basic assertive rights so you can choose the ones that usually apply. Some people say that they use some rights with different frequency depending on the situation or the person they are with. In this case, you could indicate close to each right the estimated percentage of times you usually use it.
-
The right to be treated with dignity and respect.
-
The right to make mistakes.
-
The right to say NO and reject petitions without feeling guilty or selfish.
-
The right to decide not to be assertive.
-
The right to enjoy.
-
The right to succeed.
-
The right to be heard
-
The right to change my mind.
-
The right to set my priorities, judge my needs and make my own decisions.
-
The right to ask, given that the other person has the right to reject my request.
-
The right to be independent.
-
The right not to know how to guess or anticipate the needs of other people.
-
The right to feel and express pain.
-
The right not to answer if I don’t feel like it.
-
The right to take the time you need to respond.
-
The right not to justify myself to others.
-
The right to request information and to be informed.
-
The right to express my opinions and feelings.
-
The right to say "I don’t know", "I don’t understand" and "I don’t care".
-
The right to change something that doesn’t satisfy me.
-
The right not to follow the advice I’m given.
-
The right not to be responsible for other people’s problems.
-
The right to my isolation, rest and to be alone even if someone wants my company.
-
The right to protest when I’m treated unfairly.
-
The right to talk about the problem with the person involved.
-
The right to stop and think before doing anything.
-
The right not to be aware of other people’s goodwill.
-
The right to outdo myself and others.
-
The right to decide what I do with my body, time and property if the rights of others are not violated.
When you finish the list, try to introduce, little by little, the rights that you do not usually use or increase the frequency of those that you use only in specific situations. To do it well, try to set a real and affordable goal, for example, choose a new right every week and apply it at least 1 time. When you use it, mark it on your list and so you have fewer rights to introduce in your life each next week. I attached a pdf so you can print the rights. if you prefer.
7. Assertive techniques
There are certain assertive techniques that help us say NO or respond to criticism. If we use these techniques we remain assertive, that is, we respect our own interests, we do not apply aggressiveness to get what we want and we do not run away from the problem. Some of them are widely used:
1. Broken record. This technique is used when we want to resist the pressures of very insistent people. For example, someone calls us and proposes a good offer of mobile network or in a store comes a commercial and wants to convince us to buy a product that does not interest us. In these cases you can repeat several times the same phrase: "I thank you but I do not need it". Another example might be when a friend tries to convince you to party but you have to study. You can repeat the same phrase, like "I’m sorry/I appreciate it but I have to study". After several attempts, the insistent person will see that his techniques do not work and will tire. This way, you respect your interests and don’t have to lie or make excuses.
2. Sandwich technique. This technique is used to reject a request or proposal by saying NO in the second sentence of the message. In the first and third sentences we use positive information. For example, you are tired and want to be at home but a friend invites you to party or accompany him to some event. If you know that this person can get angry and you don’t want to make him/her angry, you might say, "I really appreciate your proposal. But I have worked all day and I feel like resting at home. If you want, we talk tomorrow and see when we can meet".
3. Fog bank. This technique is useful when you need to respond to someone else’s manipulative criticism. It’s about acknowledging his/her part of the truth by staying in control without denying criticism. Anyway, the decision to act is in your hands. If someone tells you that your pants are too small, you can say something like "Yes, it’s true, they are a little tight". If someone tries to teach you how to do something, you can answer: "I will consider/thank you for your comments, I will look for the best way to solve it". The boss who criticizes you for working slowly, you might say you could work faster but you try to do your job well and not make mistakes. Thus, we reduce the intensity of the conversation, avoid hasty decisions and divert the negative energy of the manipulative person.
4. Negative assertion. It consists in accepting our own mistakes, defects and faults without having to excuse ourselves. We show ourselves sympathetic to criticism without adopting defensive attitudes.
5. Positive assertion. It consists in accepting the praise that others can give us or praise the qualities of other people, without deviating from the main theme.
6. Assertive question. We put in positive what is being discussed with a customer. For example, if you are told that your work did not help, you could ask the questioner what he/she thinks you could do so that the same thing would not happen again.
8. Self-instructions
Self-instructions are phrases you address yourself. The goal of instructions can be different: change attitudes, improve self-image, reduce anxiety, prepare for an action, motivate yourself, remove fears etc. To perform the technique well, you have to identify well the dysfunctional thoughts that may come from your past. It is not an easy task because we rarely think about our own thinking (this is exactly what Metacognitive Therapy is based on).
Since we were little we received instructions (or messages addressed to us), for example, "Your drawings are impressive", "You are an embarrassment of the family", "Why can’t you be like your sister?", "For sure to pass this test, you’re very smart", "I know what’s best for you! I’m your mother" or "You can’t do this, what will people say?". Not all the messages we receive are dysfunctional but some can become beliefs and attitudes that in adult life can bother us or prevent us from moving forward.
I advise you to take a piece of paper and write down both your dysfunctional thoughts and the attitudes and beliefs you want to change. When you have this list made, analyze if you can categorize thoughts and attitudes, for example,
-
"I care too much about the opinion of others";
-
"I’m afraid to leave my partner";
-
"I need a strong person by my side to be happy";
-
"I have very high expectations, my perfectionism has too high a level";
-
"I don’t look attractive".
From these categories look for statements that are credible to you to combat these attitudes. It’s an individual process, you have to use the log, register and the words you normally use when talking to yourself. Authenticity is very important here. For example:
-
"I don't give a sh*t about the opinion of others";
-
"I am a strong person, I do not need this burden in my life, I want to be free";
-
"I have everything necessary to be a strong and independent person, happiness depends on me and not on others";
-
"It’s okay if I’m wrong, I fail or I don’t do my job perfectly, everyone has the right to be wrong".
-
"Beauty is subjective, I have many qualities and strenghts"
Then you simply write these sentences on a sheet and carry them with you until you learn them by heart. There are 2 variants to perform this technique:
- repeat these phrases many times during the day, whenever you have free time,
- or write them in a notebook as many times as you can.
Sometimes it is more useful to combine self-instructions with behavioral experiments (the following technique). For example, you like to wear yellow pants but you’ve never dared to. One day you put it repeating your self-instructions and, if a friend asks you why you do it, you answer him/her that you just like it and you care little about the opinion of others.
Change is not fast. Beliefs and attitudes need enough time to be formed and assimilated. Therefore, your new attitudes will also take time to develop but it is worth it. Do not expect a big change in a few days but in a few months you will see a gradual change.
9. Behavioral experiments
Behavioral experiments allow us to check whether the expected consequences come or not. They can be done in therapy or outside. We often have irrational beliefs about certain situations, which makes us avoid them. For example:
"If I show my true face and stop pretending, people will stop talking to me"
"If I go alone to the cinema, I will feel terrible and people will laugh at me"
"I’m not going to enjoy the food alone in a restaurant, I’m going to feel very lonely"
"If I go to the exam, I will fail it for sure, I prefer to stay at home"
"I’m useless, everything goes wrong, I better not even try to do this job"
"Even if it’s not funny, I’m going to laugh at a macho joke so they don’t think badly of me at work".
Behavioral experiments consist of performing an action contrary to your beliefs. For example,
- you go to the restaurant or the cinema alone, you enjoy the food or the film alone and not have to negotiate anything with other people, and analyze whether the negative consequences arrive (someone has laughed at you, you have felt bad etc.) or not.
- Try to do the project you were avoiding and decide if it was a failure or just need to improve some areas.
- If you avoid mirrors in stores, you go to the store on purpose, buy a garment and look in the mirror.
- In a social situation, try to act authentically, as you really are, at least with a couple of people and analyze the consequences. It is very common to put on a mask when leaving home because of different fears, for example, the fear of rejection. We get so used to it that our friends may not get to know your real "me". You may think this is not a bad thing. However, do you prefer that your colleagues and friends are authentic, sincere and "true" with you or that they have a mask, armor or protection ahead?
It is better to check whether or not the feared consequences arrive than to live unknowingly avoiding different situations. Often these consequences we imagine are simply our mental hypotheses that have nothing to do with reality.
If the main problem is any anxiety, fear or phobia, check out this same exercise on the Anxiety page.